Author: MC

In This Issue: Sex and Dating on the Mission Field

Just for the record: Shooting for the highest rate of clicks in the history of Missions Catalyst is not the only reason I chose this month’s Practical Mobilization title. It is summer after all (at least here in the northern hemisphere), when a columnist like me needs to work a little extra hard to pull your attention away from yard work, cornhole tournaments, time with family, and a refreshing beverage.

There is also this: Back in the day, at various Christian conferences around the U.S., my friends and I would whine about how Josh McDowell’s workshop on “Great Relationships” or “Finding and Being the Perfect Godly Date” would pack out large lecture halls – while ours on “Cross-cultural Adaptation among Under-evangelized Tribal Groupings in Faroffistan” left even the latecomer with plenty of seating options.

I remember feeling no shame as we speculated on the worldliness of those who opted out of our workshops. Surely it must have occurred to us that maybe not only was Josh giving more relevant seminars (as reflected in his titles), but that he was also giving them better! I don’t know, but we did sometimes daydream about the standing-room-only crowds we’d have if we only designed a workshop called, “Sex and Dating on the Mission Field.”

Years have passed and I’ve never done that seminar. Josh has likely presented it to huge crowds and has now moved on!  But here are some preliminary thoughts about missions and marriage for this month’s Practical Mobilization discussion:

Tricky Teams: Singles, Marrieds, and “I Wish I Were the Other’s”

I’ll never forget my team in Bangkok many years ago. I was single and knew just north of nothing about girls. Serious. Ask anyone on the team; they’ll back me up. Our team leader got engaged the day before we departed for three months in Thailand. One couple on our team had been married about 45 minutes. One was in their third or fourth year. The rest of us were single, though one pair connected long after the three months in Bangkok and now have five kids!

The newlyweds were quite open in their relationship. I remember showing up at their door to hear the sounds of disagreements being loudly addressed. They’d say something like, “Come on in. We just have to finish this fight!” Wow!

The other couple was rather more guarded. During one team meeting, they informed us they needed the rest of us to give them more space for each other. “Great,” I thought, “You got it.” Sadly, I didn’t have good calibration on the old space meter. I pretty much left them alone. On the last day of our project, literally in the last hour, they came to me and said they felt isolated by me. Dang, hadn’t they asked for “space”?

Now I’ve been married, myself, for nearly 20 years. So I realize you have to revisit such feelings, that they’re not absolutes, and that, seriously, they can fluctuate even over the course of a month.

That was a five-month experience. What if you buy a one-way ticket to join a relationally integrated team?

Three things: (1) Perhaps after a while you’ll find things settling into satisfactory patterns for everyone. Time often smooths out bumpiness. (2) If things don’t settle down, hopefully you were smart enough to join a team made up of people more mature than me. (As I was back then, I mean. Though, really, the difference now is subtle.) (3) Either way, persevere in finding helpful avenues to clearly, and probably repeatedly, express your perceptions on the relational diversity and its effect on the team. Married people aren’t being mean. They really have forgotten what it’s like to be single. Single people aren’t being whiny. Maybe when you tell them, “But you’re married to Christ,” it might not be the easiest thing to hear! And together submit to the counsel and accountability of someone who can speak to your whole team.

Among many others, here are two good examples: Over the years, Frontiers has built a strong culture of coaching and field-based team oversight. Barnabas International exists to help in areas like this. Objectivity can be God’s grace when the hurt is hard to articulate and you wonder if the rest of the team is listening.

The Marriage Pool Is Really Shallow and I’m Wearing the Wrong Suit

Let’s say you’ve been asked to coach a team like the one described above. Over coffee a dear team member tells you her story: “My three-year commitment is up in two months. I so want to go home, see my family and friends, then return here for life. Trouble is I’m 31 and really would like to do this cross-cultural thing with a spouse. Look around, only 19 of the 100 believers in our city are guys. Eight are married, ten are local believers committed to marrying local women, and Gary, well, we dated for three weeks about a year and a half ago and neither of us wants to go there again! So what am I to do? Go home, hope and wait for someone like-minded? Maybe try to kill the desire to be married and learn to work with the pros and cons of being single here? Maybe marry a great guy, live at home and make some little disciples of our own who may come here some day?”

What do you say?Of course there’s always more to the story and every situation is unique. But really, what are some paths for singles in other cultures? What encouragement, what hope or direction would you offer?

How about this: Is it time for a matching service specifically for believers working in cross-cultural situations? It seems technologically possible, but is it ethically advisable? And are there enough people who might participate to make it work? (Hey Stephanie, meet Bob? Not interested? Check in next month. Maybe someone else will join in the meantime!) Here’s the real kicker: If you’re single, would you even think about signing up for an eHarmony-type service particularly for kingdom-minded workers?

Wed to Both You and the World

Say you’ve found a spouse and together have produced a kid or two. Now you’re living in a different culture and discovering all sorts of new and interesting ways to test the strength of your marriage vows. Marriage is hard work in almost every case. Keeping a marriage alive at the “ends of the earth” can sometimes feel overwhelming. In a rare case of writing about only what I know, let me say two things to my male readers: (1) Don’t look at porn. (2) Do look at your wife.

Oh, be careful little eyes what you see. A cross-cultural situation adds new ways to fail in terms of sexual purity, but fails to clear out most of the old ones. You can get a broadband satellite connection in most parts of the world. And unless your adopted country locks down porn at Internet HQ, you need to address it yourself. Having dealt with this, both personally and with friends and colleagues, I recently signed up for a Covenant Eyes account. Under the Covenant Eyes arrangement, a list of websites you’ve visited is regularly sent to a trusted friend of your choosing. While God sees all the sites you visit, there’s something sobering about your friend knowing as well. I’m also planning to implement a free service called FamilyShield parental controls from OpenDNS, which provides server-based filtering of adult material. Keep in mind that, as my friend at Frontiers says, “these are only aids, not the essence of ‘taking every thought captive.’”

A cross-cultural situation also provides interesting new opportunities to celebrate your sexual purity! Don’t stop at simply not doing bad stuff! Do more good stuff! Proverbs 5 vividly warns us against adultery. But in verses 18-19 it does so by encouraging intentional action regarding the wife of your youth: Rejoice, be filled with delight, be intoxicated, “be ravished” the King James Version says! One way to do this is to turn your attention to her.

Can I remind you of something you know: It’s a good idea to date your wife! I know, you did date her. And it worked! You got her. But even now you should keep at it! Sure there are a bazillion reasons it’s difficult: too little money, too many little kids, a habit of allowing work and ministry to expand to fill all available time! But look at her! What a gift, what a treasure, what a mess you’d be without her. Will you resolve to take her out twice before the next Practical Mobilization column hits your inbox?

At the very least, put the kids to bed and take a walk around the neighborhood (or mission compound) or sit facing each other at the kitchen table. Listen. Adore. Maybe you’ll discover that your wife is like 90% of wives: More than copious cash, focused attention (which costs in time) communicates honor, value, and love. Until you have money to spend, spend your time. No, invest it. She is worth it, and the results, all the way around, will be worth it.

Have comments, complaints, or questions? Post them here or write to me.

 

Shane Bennett has served in missions mobilization since 1987, much of his energy going to recruiting, training, and sending short-term teams. He’s been on research teams in Bangkok, Bombay, and Turkey. He coauthored Exploring the Land, a guide to researching unreached peoples, and has written numerous articles.

Shane now works as a public speaker for Frontiers and is part-time missions pastor at Union Chapel. He and his wife, Ann, have five school-aged children. They live and work in Indiana.

In This Issue: Practical Mobilization Readers Rock – Seven Great Ideas Inside

• Answers to “Gaping Voids in Mobilization”
• Buying Real Estate, Renting to International Students
• One Final Word

Continue reading Missions Catalyst 06.09.10 – Practical Mobilization