In his Locksley Hall poem Lord Tennyson famously asserts, “In the spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.” I contend that a young man’s fancy can’t “turn to thoughts of love” in the spring, since they haven’t really ever turned away from such thoughts. Turns out, “thoughts of love” pretty much form a core in the psyche of most young men. And old ones. And women as well. Even those men and women who’ve dedicated their lives to God’s purposes outside of their home cultures. (See our previous article, Sex and Dating on the Mission Field!)
Most of us, regardless of our vocation, are subject to a deep and emphatic need to connect – connect to family, friends, God, and for a good number of us, a spouse.
Here’s how it might go: You have a sense that God wants to use you for his kingdom among a culturally distant people group. You decide you’d also like to marry someone. You start your search with a determination only to pick someone of the opposite gender, thereby cutting the global pool of candidates in half. Further, you’d like someone roughly of your own culture, which, depending on the size of your people, may significantly cut down the list of candidates!
More names are cut from the list when you add that you desire to marry a fellow Christian (snip, snip…), who really lives the faith (spin snip), who also has a desire to work cross-culturally (snip, snip…) and finally, since you drank the Perspectives Kool-Aid, someone who is (snip, snip, SNIP!) headed toward unreached peoples! The result? Four guys qualify! You grew up with two of them in church. After your mom said you’d make a great couple, you swore to never be more than just friends. All this is well before you get to your other list with items, like eye color or depth of appreciation for Jane Austen novels.
What’s a girl (or guy!) to do? Here are three thoughts.
1. Be patient.
Ouch, I don’t even like typing that. It seems to be just a step or two above telling someone, “It’s okay; you’re married to Jesus.” But since almost all of us have to (or have had to) be patient in the spouse department, it’s really only a matter of degree.
2. Fish in the right pond.
If you’re designed by God to live a chunk of your life in a different culture and you’ve been asking him for a spouse, hang out in situations where others like you are likely to be. If that’s who you are, your dream guy is probably not spending the upcoming summer on the couch in his mom’s basement mastering his new Call of Duty game. He’s answering the call of duty in Calcutta, holding the hand of someone as they die of AIDS, or in Istanbul, drinking tea and playing backgammonh with Muslims.
Since this point could be derisively titled, “Short Term as Spouse Hunting,” let me add this caveat: Please don’t go on a mission trip just to find a spouse! I’m just saying to keep your eyes open. I think generally God would be pleased to link you up with someone who shares your vision. I know anecdotally that this worked for me: Ann and I fell in love one summer in Izmir, Turkey, all the while obeying our team rules not to date. (Almost totally obeying them. Really.)
3. Sign up at CalledTogether.
Not too long ago, if a couple found each other on line, they’d guard that secret like the recipe for KFC chicken. They would rather look their Baptist mom in the eye and confess they had met in a bar! Today, more and more good relationships start at an online dating site. Now technology and cultural acceptance has caught up with the dream that goes back at least as far as Roberta Winter, who famously advocated for a missionary matchmaking system.
Director of Operations Gerin St. Claire says CalledTogether.us is not just a dating site, but “a global community of singles pursuing transformational engagement outside the comfort zone of their own cultures, whether serving through NGOs, education, business, justice, media, or other means. If you are dedicating your life to making him known where he is not known now, CalledTogether seeks to connect you to other singles who share your specific burdens and calling, who can partner with you, in teams or through godly marriages and family.”
When I tell people about CalledTogether, I give them permission to laugh. It’s a new idea, and to many, it feels a little odd. But then I encourage them to think about it. In fact, I tell the men that CalledTogether should pay them to use the site. Not because they’re such studs (though they are!), but because it’s still true that more single women are willing to launch out to the ends of the earth. Single men of such valor are at a premium due to their scarcity.
Gerin adds, “Please consider who in your circle might benefit from joining this community, and pass the word along to them! The impact of this project will multiply as it grows, and our hope is that God will use it to send many new families to the nations, with hearts and callings aligned.”
To encourage you to sign up and invite your friends to, Gerin is offering a discount for Missions Catalyst readers. Drop in “2014MC” when you sign up to get your first three months for only a US$1/month. After that the price goes up to US$5.
» Read more about CalledTogether in articles from Christianity Today and NPR.
My wife Jennifer and I met on the mission field in Kenya.
We were married when I was 40 and we have the most peaceful, amazing relationship because I believe that our hearts are aligned to His calling.
Seriously take the time to get to know each other and waiting is so worth it.
Thanks for tackling this topic Shane.
God bless y’all.
Johnny: Thanks for reading and sharing your experience with Jennifer. What a great testimony!
Some Christian women are so anxious, especially when they reach a marriageable age, yet no man has ever asked them for marriage, or they don’t have a boyfriend, so they just resort to befriend and sometimes marry an unbeliever. They have forgotten God’s command that we believers should not equally yoke with the unbelievers. In the first place, why should we worry if we don’t have partner, where in fact we are with God – we are joyfully united with God, that means no matter what happens, He is with us; why would we seek our security in another human? If it is God’s will, then he will make it happen for you.
Rachel: Thanks for reading Missions Catalyst and sharing your thoughts and experience. I appreciate that. You say, “If it is God’s will then he will make it happen on u.” I’m wondering how much involvement you think a person should have in choosing their spouse? Be on the lookout? Ask others to pray and look? Sign up for a service like CalledTogether.us? What do you think?
He or she can ask help from Christian friend to pray for it. Or join a Christian fellowship – often in that way he/she can met fellow Christians. But never go out with the unbelievers, for we all know that Satan can use every circumstance to tempt God’s follower.
I will share the experience of my churchmate: she is a faithful servant, but reached marriageable age without having a boyfriend at all. So one day her friend introduced her to his cousin, though her friend’s cousin is not a Christian. Because she is so afraid of getting old without a husband and child, she accepted him, and they got married and have a child. She said marrying him is also the worst part of her life, because all he brought her is problems and heart aches.
This is what will happened if we will not obey God. She just followed her will and didn’t wait what God want in her life, so she suffers. God will surely make a way to show us his disapproval and to discipline us as well if we go beyond or ahead his plan for us. It’s better to wait in God’s perfect time than to take a risk.
Well, it is just my opinion, because for me, I’m not bothered that until now I’m single, because I know God has a plan for me. If I’m not going to have a partner, then fine, because I can be more useful in God’s ministry, rather than to have an unbeliever partner that will hinder me from getting involved in God’s work.
Rachel: Thanks for the thoughtful follow up. I appreciate it. May God use you mightily!
You’re welcome, Shane. I wish more Christians would leave their comments here ’cause I know some how it can be a useful guide for some confused young believers or even adults in the church which are so worried about how to find their lifetime partner.
I will take this opportunity to ask for your prayer, because right now I’m working in Malaysia but after three years I’ll be going back to the Philippines for good and start a business… at the same time use my business to bring more people in God. I hope to make a living for those people in our place so I can bring them to God’s feet too. I would appreciate all your prayers. Thank you in advance.