In This Issue: Sex and Dating on the Mission Field
Just for the record: Shooting for the highest rate of clicks in the history of Missions Catalyst is not the only reason I chose this month’s Practical Mobilization title. It is summer after all (at least here in the northern hemisphere), when a columnist like me needs to work a little extra hard to pull your attention away from yard work, cornhole tournaments, time with family, and a refreshing beverage.
There is also this: Back in the day, at various Christian conferences around the U.S., my friends and I would whine about how Josh McDowell’s workshop on “Great Relationships” or “Finding and Being the Perfect Godly Date” would pack out large lecture halls – while ours on “Cross-cultural Adaptation among Under-evangelized Tribal Groupings in Faroffistan” left even the latecomer with plenty of seating options.
I remember feeling no shame as we speculated on the worldliness of those who opted out of our workshops. Surely it must have occurred to us that maybe not only was Josh giving more relevant seminars (as reflected in his titles), but that he was also giving them better! I don’t know, but we did sometimes daydream about the standing-room-only crowds we’d have if we only designed a workshop called, “Sex and Dating on the Mission Field.”
Years have passed and I’ve never done that seminar. Josh has likely presented it to huge crowds and has now moved on! But here are some preliminary thoughts about missions and marriage for this month’s Practical Mobilization discussion:
Tricky Teams: Singles, Marrieds, and “I Wish I Were the Other’s”
I’ll never forget my team in Bangkok many years ago. I was single and knew just north of nothing about girls. Serious. Ask anyone on the team; they’ll back me up. Our team leader got engaged the day before we departed for three months in Thailand. One couple on our team had been married about 45 minutes. One was in their third or fourth year. The rest of us were single, though one pair connected long after the three months in Bangkok and now have five kids!
The newlyweds were quite open in their relationship. I remember showing up at their door to hear the sounds of disagreements being loudly addressed. They’d say something like, “Come on in. We just have to finish this fight!” Wow!
The other couple was rather more guarded. During one team meeting, they informed us they needed the rest of us to give them more space for each other. “Great,” I thought, “You got it.” Sadly, I didn’t have good calibration on the old space meter. I pretty much left them alone. On the last day of our project, literally in the last hour, they came to me and said they felt isolated by me. Dang, hadn’t they asked for “space”?
Now I’ve been married, myself, for nearly 20 years. So I realize you have to revisit such feelings, that they’re not absolutes, and that, seriously, they can fluctuate even over the course of a month.
That was a five-month experience. What if you buy a one-way ticket to join a relationally integrated team?
Three things: (1) Perhaps after a while you’ll find things settling into satisfactory patterns for everyone. Time often smooths out bumpiness. (2) If things don’t settle down, hopefully you were smart enough to join a team made up of people more mature than me. (As I was back then, I mean. Though, really, the difference now is subtle.) (3) Either way, persevere in finding helpful avenues to clearly, and probably repeatedly, express your perceptions on the relational diversity and its effect on the team. Married people aren’t being mean. They really have forgotten what it’s like to be single. Single people aren’t being whiny. Maybe when you tell them, “But you’re married to Christ,” it might not be the easiest thing to hear! And together submit to the counsel and accountability of someone who can speak to your whole team.
Among many others, here are two good examples: Over the years, Frontiers has built a strong culture of coaching and field-based team oversight. Barnabas International exists to help in areas like this. Objectivity can be God’s grace when the hurt is hard to articulate and you wonder if the rest of the team is listening.
The Marriage Pool Is Really Shallow and I’m Wearing the Wrong Suit
Let’s say you’ve been asked to coach a team like the one described above. Over coffee a dear team member tells you her story: “My three-year commitment is up in two months. I so want to go home, see my family and friends, then return here for life. Trouble is I’m 31 and really would like to do this cross-cultural thing with a spouse. Look around, only 19 of the 100 believers in our city are guys. Eight are married, ten are local believers committed to marrying local women, and Gary, well, we dated for three weeks about a year and a half ago and neither of us wants to go there again! So what am I to do? Go home, hope and wait for someone like-minded? Maybe try to kill the desire to be married and learn to work with the pros and cons of being single here? Maybe marry a great guy, live at home and make some little disciples of our own who may come here some day?”
What do you say?Of course there’s always more to the story and every situation is unique. But really, what are some paths for singles in other cultures? What encouragement, what hope or direction would you offer?
How about this: Is it time for a matching service specifically for believers working in cross-cultural situations? It seems technologically possible, but is it ethically advisable? And are there enough people who might participate to make it work? (Hey Stephanie, meet Bob? Not interested? Check in next month. Maybe someone else will join in the meantime!) Here’s the real kicker: If you’re single, would you even think about signing up for an eHarmony-type service particularly for kingdom-minded workers?
Wed to Both You and the World
Say you’ve found a spouse and together have produced a kid or two. Now you’re living in a different culture and discovering all sorts of new and interesting ways to test the strength of your marriage vows. Marriage is hard work in almost every case. Keeping a marriage alive at the “ends of the earth” can sometimes feel overwhelming. In a rare case of writing about only what I know, let me say two things to my male readers: (1) Don’t look at porn. (2) Do look at your wife.
Oh, be careful little eyes what you see. A cross-cultural situation adds new ways to fail in terms of sexual purity, but fails to clear out most of the old ones. You can get a broadband satellite connection in most parts of the world. And unless your adopted country locks down porn at Internet HQ, you need to address it yourself. Having dealt with this, both personally and with friends and colleagues, I recently signed up for a Covenant Eyes account. Under the Covenant Eyes arrangement, a list of websites you’ve visited is regularly sent to a trusted friend of your choosing. While God sees all the sites you visit, there’s something sobering about your friend knowing as well. I’m also planning to implement a free service called FamilyShield parental controls from OpenDNS, which provides server-based filtering of adult material. Keep in mind that, as my friend at Frontiers says, “these are only aids, not the essence of ‘taking every thought captive.’”
A cross-cultural situation also provides interesting new opportunities to celebrate your sexual purity! Don’t stop at simply not doing bad stuff! Do more good stuff! Proverbs 5 vividly warns us against adultery. But in verses 18-19 it does so by encouraging intentional action regarding the wife of your youth: Rejoice, be filled with delight, be intoxicated, “be ravished” the King James Version says! One way to do this is to turn your attention to her.
Can I remind you of something you know: It’s a good idea to date your wife! I know, you did date her. And it worked! You got her. But even now you should keep at it! Sure there are a bazillion reasons it’s difficult: too little money, too many little kids, a habit of allowing work and ministry to expand to fill all available time! But look at her! What a gift, what a treasure, what a mess you’d be without her. Will you resolve to take her out twice before the next Practical Mobilization column hits your inbox?
At the very least, put the kids to bed and take a walk around the neighborhood (or mission compound) or sit facing each other at the kitchen table. Listen. Adore. Maybe you’ll discover that your wife is like 90% of wives: More than copious cash, focused attention (which costs in time) communicates honor, value, and love. Until you have money to spend, spend your time. No, invest it. She is worth it, and the results, all the way around, will be worth it.
Have comments, complaints, or questions? Post them here or write to me.
Shane Bennett has served in missions mobilization since 1987, much of his energy going to recruiting, training, and sending short-term teams. He’s been on research teams in Bangkok, Bombay, and Turkey. He coauthored Exploring the Land, a guide to researching unreached peoples, and has written numerous articles.
Shane now works as a public speaker for Frontiers and is part-time missions pastor at Union Chapel. He and his wife, Ann, have five school-aged children. They live and work in Indiana.
I appreciated your article and the attempt to address some very real but taboo subjects regarding the mission field. Yes, I would imagine you got more clicks than a cross-cultural article! I am a single missionary in the US, but at one time I was preparing to leave for a two-year term of service abroad. Probably the single most painful prospect of a life of service abroad was the harsh reality that as a single missionary woman, I could practically kiss my love life goodbye. The stats for single missionary women are a reality. Some people give very condemning advice saying that us missions-minded ladies should give up our desire to be married as part of taking up our cross for the gospel. I know for me, this is really not practical as I would probably end up in some kind of sin or just plain miserable. Others give fairytale advice saying, “God will provide. Just be content.” It seems like a common-sense, reality-based approach to this very painful issue is sorely needed!
I would have been totally excited about some kind of online dating service for single missionaries. Of course this is controversial, but why are we as Christians so harsh and judgmental about the God-given need for a mate? As a single, 32-year-old Christian, I really think many Christian circles need to relax about dating. Of course we need to guard against sin and be wise, but there is biblically no “right” way to do this stuff. Online dating is not a sin. The whole idea of marriage was the best scandal God ever made and sometimes it seems like people in the church try to be holier than God.
Another thing I would like to address is the need for more men on the mission field. Of course I’m thinking of all the single women missionaries who need husbands 🙂 but I’m also thinking about a lost world who needs to see the image of God as Father, Husband, and brother. I suppose we could address this in our churches. Why are the men so hesitant to go?
Thanks for touching on this very relevant issue!
Great article, Shane – as always! When we went to Tibet on a small exploratory team, my husband and I offered to watch the missionary’s kids while they had a date night. They have 4 kids and are the only believers there. We had a blast taking the kiddos bowling and out to eat, and the parents said they hadn’t had a date in years. Just something to keep in mind while traveling – sometimes little things like that mean so much.
Also, I think leading a team can sometimes be difficult as far as chaperoning. Overseas teams can become such an intimate close-knit group that there seems to be a lot of hook-ups during or afterwards. Makes me kind of nervous taking teenagers that parents are depending on me to keep on eye on. Any advice?
Susan,
Thanks for your thoughtful and encouraging comment. It serves as a good addition to the article.
Also, I agree with your observation about the relative lack of men heading out in these endeavors. It seems that women have done most of the heavy lifting in missions, but men have written most of the books. Hmmmm.
Great encouragement and reminder! Keep up the good work.
Heather,
Way to go, serving your friends in this way. It’s so cool when doing something nice for someone is fun for you at the same time. Bowling in Tibet! Wow.
Regarding advice for leading teams of teenagers: I pitched your question to our youth guy, Jeff Hughes, and Flip’d his response here.
Just after my wife told the Lord she was willing to go to the mission field as a single woman, she met me. We both had had short-term experience in Europe, which actually brought us together. After 5 years practice in Connecticut, we went to Austria as missionaries.
Practicing Proverbs chapter 5 is vital when living in a country with topless bathing and similar billboards! After 37 years I still am fascinated by one woman.
Having been both a fairly newly-married missionary in West Africa and a pastor at two churches in North Carolina, I can say that your thoughts for husbands are just as applicable to the missions frontier as to the rural church setting. Thanks for the article and reminders.
OK, where is this “Kingdom-Minded Dating Service”?? It seemed like I was swimming in the deep end trying to find a godly woman to marry here in the Bible Belt, but once I let go and committed to go live in the Muslim world long-term, the “dating pool” here dried up to about an inch or two! Having a dating service like that sure would be a nice way to start “fishing” again. (Last analogy, I promise.)
As a single male with a plane ticket in hand, a wife is definitely the biggest thing I’m battling to trust God for everyday.
P.S. I thought of a name for this new website: “Missionary Dating.” What do you guys think?
Jonathan,
Thank you for the kind words.
Blessings,
Shane
Martin,
Great story. Thanks for sharing it. Keep at the Proverbs 5!
Blessings,
Shane
Gene,
You’re welcome. I agree, these are global realities.
Blessings,
Shane
Hoose,
Thanks for weighing in on the article. I appreciate it. I’ll put you on the short list for charter members of the new service. As for the names, Missionary Dating probably sounds a little too much like “date someone for the purpose of leading them to Jesus.” How do you feel about “Kingdom Matches” or something like that?
Blessings,
Shane
A good kingdom-sensitive site is out there: Christian Dating for Free. Yes, there are those on it who are somewhat “untoward,” but great friendships can be cultivated with quality believers of both genders.
It is not good to be alone. We could hope that a mate will come across our path in our day-to-day world, but when that world is spread thin because of our commitment to the kingdom all over the earth, then it may be helpful to find a way to concentrate in one place a large collection of a particular kind. In fishing it is called a NET. Seek friends there and then out of that pool of friends see what God has for you.
The reality of life in the 21st century is that our “day-to-day world” includes the world of cyberspace. Never lose focus on seeking the kingdom first and maintain the principles of 1 Thess. 4:1-9.
I tried a Christian dating service a few years back, indicating on my profile that I was currently serving in missions and was open to dating someone of like mind. I got my wrist slapped by my organization for posting that profile. “Your a training leader. What were you thinking?” On the upside, although things didn’t work out for us on a romantic level, one of the guys I met through the site ended up doing the missions training I was leading.
I agree with Susan: “…there is biblically no ‘right’ way to do this stuff. Online dating is not a sin.” I have often wondered if someone in our organization, or anyone really, would be willing to put together a site that matched people called to missions. During the Moravian movement, I understand that the leaders of missionaries being sent out would point to two single candidates in a crowd, “you sir and you miss” and keep doing that until they were all paired, then married them, and off they went to the new land on the ships. So, who’s to say that online matching is wrong? People meet in all kinds of ways. Is God more Lord of our lives because we meet our spouse “the old fashioned way”? Some would have us believe that. Practically, it just hasn’t worked for me that way. So, go for it, Shane! Hook us up with that service that hooks us up. ;-}
As the only unmarried member of the Miss Cat team I thought I’d chime in on the “dating” question.
Singleness can be tough… marriage generally is, too, I hear!
I can’t see wanting to date someone who didn’t love the Lord, who was somewhere with in shouting distance of my age and background. Don’t want a child molester, substance abuser, or (getting picky here) someone who’s mentally ill… Add in that he should be a ministry-minded guy who is passionate about seeing the worship of the nations brought before the throne, and you cut things way down. Seems nigh impossible. Even before you add in the personality and chemistry compatibility without which it’s hard to build a sustainable intimate relationship. So, it takes some faith to believe that finding a mate might be possible.
But God doesn’t owe me a mate or promise that there will be one, does he? So I’ve come to believe that a more important question than how to find a mate is how to manage to be effective, content, and godly as a single person. I consider that a serious call on my life, even if it may not be one I have to follow forever. “How to be married” is set of skills I might need someday, while “How to be single” is a set of skills I definitely need today. Surely Paul was not describing an impossibility when he said the single person is concerned about the Lord’s affairs, rather than how to please a spouse?
Sometimes being single seems a real thorn in the flesh, one I’ve asked God to take away. But the answer he gave Paul is still true, that God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness.
See also Singleness and the Church.
So, while I might be interested in the service described in the article – and/or, using the tools that already exist – perhaps we could treat singleness less as a problem, more as a challenge. I’d like to see singleness more accepted by the church as a legitimate path, for the long term or the short term.
I believe there is no shame in acknowledging that God gave me the desire for marriage AND the giftings to do missions.
I’ve done the flip-flop thing of:
1. “I really want to be married but since I’m not (yet), I may as well serve in missions!”
2. “I’m so lonely in this place trying to carve out a role in missions; maybe I’ll go ‘home’ and date!”
3. “Hmm… no job sounds as interesting to me as what I was doing before. I may not ever find someone, even at ‘home,’ so I may as well get back out there and do missions!”
4. And now… ?
I’d like to be on this “Kingdom Matches” or “Perigrini Pairings” or whatever you wanna call it. However, I’m concerned that it would be 90% made up of women, as my experience on the field has revealed!
Keeping in mind that, WHOEVER I marry, both of us will do well to lay down our individual dreams/callings and seek the Lord together for his calling on us as a couple/family.
This thought has been important for me to remember so I do not (1) discount a guy who does not appear to be missions-minded, OR (2) assume a missions-minded guy will always be so, even if we got married. In other words, I should choose a godly partner, a good person, who wants to always obey God, and of course do the same myself.
A couple of resources on these topics:
– Free downloadable brochure (one of many): World Christian Love Life – Dating and missions (by Roberta Winter)
– “Guidelines for Singles and Courtship” in Pioneer Church Planting: A Rookie Team Leader’s Handbook ($0.99 download from Pioneers)
Marti
This topic is very crucial in missions. Missionaries are also human with emotions, feelings, and desires. All these show up in the field. I am doing a book on “Cross-Cultural Marriages Among Missionaries: The Pros and Cons”. I think this topic on sex and dating should form a chapter in the book, I hope this forum will grant me the permission to use some of their comments and arguments. I hope Marti Subscribes to that too.
Thanks
Hi… Thanks for writing this article… I’ve been 5 years now in the Middle East, after a strong call from the Lord to serve here. While the call was so strong, and I feel God hasn’t called me “back”, or at least not called me on to something else, I feel myself getting very weary of being single and away from family, and find myself longing to leave based simply on that.
I’ve had several conversations with the Lord about this– telling Him how much I want to serve Him will all of my life, but being honest about the desire to find a husband. I struggle also with the concept of faith and practicality– If God is God, He is fully able to bring me a mate while I serve Him. But if the “pool” here is so narrow, on a practical level, I probably need to use some ‘common sense’ to allow that to happen! I know that if I were to choose to move back to the States, God wouldn’t condemn that, but I’m still torn….
I’ve been here for 5 years, and just returned from another summer. I found myself saying to the Lord, “I’m so weary of this transition and this waiting… maybe this will be my last year…”
Anyway, I’m encouraged somehow to know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I think it would be encouraging even to form a single missionaries online forum of sorts, so we can support and encourage one another in these unique struggles.
Blessings upon you all, in our Faithful Messiah!
I just stumbled across this article and was very encouraged by both the content and responses. Shane, I’m not sure if you were joking or not about the online dating, but I know many single women that are committed to the mission field and would love to find a Godly husband…what can we do to connect them?
I would definitely be interested in a missions-minded dating site. I have been called to long-term missions in Africa and it makes dating very difficult. I joined Eharmony to try and find a Godly missions-minded guy but for every 50 matches I get only one is passionate about missions. Please let me know if you get this site up and running.
Hi there, I am a single woman passionate about ministry amongst Muslims and have been finding it very hard lately to be in this ministry and single.
In this context, while most of my Muslim friends say it’s better to be single (they themselves are married, but may not have the best marriages), there is something to the fact that marriage is basically expected and being single is something of an anomaly. You definitely don’t fit anywhere into their scheme of how family, etc work.
So I’ve come to think that it is definitely best to be married in this ministry. I think it would help to be able to better identify with the women I’m reaching out to. The problem is finding a guy with whom I can share this same vision and ministry – there just don’t seem to be many around and I would definitely be interested in a site that seeks to connect single missionaries around the globe.
http://limisimi.ning.com/ I found this website, it seems to be the only dating website for single Christian missionaries. It seems fairly new so there may not be alot of people on it but maybe we can change that.